Hard Water
by Milotic
Summary: Misty is hiding a secret that could possibly destroy her. Can Ash save her before it's too late?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Pokemon or anything to do with it. Misty wouldn't have been taken off the show if I did!

Big Water

"Misty, you have a challenger!"

My sister's words rouse me from my daydream, causing me to drop all of my Gyarados's food into the pool, much to its delight. Technically I was supposed to be feeding the Pokemon, but apparently I had lost all concentration some time ago, for I had found myself thinking of him…

I leave the pool and enter the reception area, finding Daisy filing away at her nails as she sits at the front desk. Violet and Lily were, of course, off doing God knows what (probably spending more money we don't have on the latest designer fashions).

"You know, Daisy, you're technically a gym leader, too; you could take on a challenger every now and then," I tell my sister.

"Well, I guess, but you're, like, so much better than me, Misty," she replies.

Yeah, right. I'm not good at anything…

I give in. "Please don't remind me of Ash," I silently plead before turning to glance at the challenger. Of course he reminds me of Ash, though; they almost always do. This kid even looks like Ash; an official Pokemon League hat sits atop his unkempt black hair.

"I'm Jimmy and I'm here to challenge you for a Cascade Badge! I just came from Pewter City and I knocked out some kid named Forrest's Pokemon in one fell swoop! I'm sure I'll be able to beat you, too!" the challenger smugly states.

They're all like this: cocky, confident, so sure of themselves…just like Ash was. Just like Ash still is, I suppose.

"Don't be so sure, kid," I reply. _You know he's right, though, _a voice in my head counters. _You're an awful trainer._

I lead Jimmy into the main room of the gym, taking my place at one end of the pool while he walks towards the opposite one. A jolly looking Lapras smiles at me on the opposite wall, but it's almost like it's taunting me. _You won't win_.

I grab the first Pokeball I can find in my pocket, pulling out Goldeen's. Does it really matter who I call out if I'm just going to lose anyway?

"Misty calls Goldeen!"

"Fine, then," Jimmy replies. "I choose Bulbasaur!"

Goldeen's water guns are, of course, no match for Bulbasaur's razor leafs and vine whips. Jimmy wins the match.

I could chalk the loss up to the fact that Jimmy had a huge type advantage. I could blame the fact that I had chosen Goldeen, one of my weaker Pokemon. Surely Gyarados would have slaughtered Bulbasaur; heck, even Starmie, Politoad, or Corsola could have defeated the beginner Pokemon. I could even take into consideration the fact that my mind was on other things…

No, I don't choose to accept these reasons, though. Instead, I simply blame myself. What can I say? I'm just not a good trainer. I'm just not good at anything, really. I'm just not a good person.

"Congratulations, Jimmy," I tell the young trainer while handing him the coveted Cascade Badge. His fingers display the victory sign and he then proceeds to hug his Bulbasaur.

Yes, he's just like Ash.

* * *

It's already dark when Daisy and I make it back to the house. There was a lot of "administrative stuff" to take care of, the stuff I hate doing the most. Being a gym leader isn't just about battling trainers, unfortunately. Sometimes the whole routine of it can become rather dull.

Oh, how I miss traveling with Ash and Brock. There was no "administrative stuff" then, no dull routine. It may sound cliché, but everyday was literally a new adventure. What a wonderful feeling it was to fall asleep under the stars and to wake up to the sunrise at dawn, surrounded by good friends and Pokemon. Sure, Ash and I would get into fights every now and then, but there were also the times when my sides would hurt from laughing so much because of his jokes or his sheer stupidity, and Brock's cooking sure beats Daisy's any day. Those times were over for me, though. Ash and Brock had found new friends and traveling companions, new people to joke with and cook for, in May and Max and now Dawn.

I wish my sister goodnight before heading upstairs to my bathroom to take a shower. As the hot water flows over my body I begin my nightly "checks," examining my body for bones and fat.

As I step out of the shower I look at myself in the mirror with hatred, pinching the fat on my belly. Sure, the dieting I've done for the last few months has gotten me some results, but I've got a long way to go. I hate the way my thighs still touch ever so slightly and the way my buttock protrudes from behind me. I don't know which I hate more, my reflection or myself. I can't even succeed at losing weight. I truly am a failure at everything.

I started dieting to become beautiful like my sisters, like May and Dawn. I have always been the ugly duckling, the black sheep of the family. Maybe, I though, if I could just lose a little weight my sisters would accept me as a bona fide "Sensational Sister." Maybe, just maybe, Ash would return the secret feelings I've harbored for him for so long…

Losing weight gave me something to look forward to. Life at the gym had become increasingly tedious and uneventful; the same thing happened everyday. I missed traveling. I missed my friends. I couldn't control the fact that I had to return home. I couldn't control the fact that my precious baby Togepi had evolved and gone away. I couldn't control the fact that Ash and Brock had new traveling companions. I couldn't even control my stupid temper! (No wonder Ash probably hates me!) I could, however, control my weight and my appearance. There was comfort in that.

I hadn't meant to take it so far. I was just supposed to lose a few pounds, to become a little more attractive. Yet whenever I thought of stopping the voice inside my head would urge me to continue, urge me to seek perfection, and how could I refuse? How could I refuse when I knew that I was ugly, when I knew that I had a bad temper, when I knew that I wasn't a "Sensational Sister," when I knew that Ash probably cared more for May and Dawn than he did for me. These are things the voice inside my head told me, anyway.

Now I cannot stop. If I stop I'll become fat and ugly. If I stop I'll lose control. The voice inside my head reminds me of this every minute. No, I cannot stop, because if I stop I'll never be perfect; I'll never be a "Sensational Sister;" I'll never attract the attention of Ash.

Daisy has yet to notice my odd eating habits and the changes in my body. Why would she? It's not like she cares about me. No one does. Besides, she's too busy obsessing over her appearance (Ha! What a hypocrite I am!) or drooling over the latest movie star.

I slip into my warmest pajamas, for lately I have found myself exceedingly cold, and head into bed. I don't sleep to dream, but to escape reality. Why would I sleep to dream when my dreams are nothing but nightmares, anyway?

* * *

The sunlight creeps through my window, waking me from my sleep. I yawn once before turning over to glance at the clock. It's 10:00; I've overslept. This means I won't have time for my morning jog. I silently curse myself for being so lazy before getting out of bed.

When I enter the kitchen I notice a note on the counter. It reads:

_Dear Misty,_

_I've gone to try out the new salon around the corner; my hair, like, seriously needs a perm. You're on your own for breakfast. Luv ya. _

_Daisy_

Daisy's gone out again, huh? Why does that not surprise me? She's always going out, leaving me to take care of myself and the gym. It's hard to run a gym all by one's lonesome self. Who knows when she'll be back? I could be stuck here by myself the entire day.

The taking care of myself part I don't exactly mind (not that I actually take care of myself…more like the opposite). Part of the reason why Daisy hasn't noticed that anything is wrong is because she's hardly ever around.

Oh, what to eat?! My day seems to revolve around that question. I need to eat less than I ate yesterday. What did I eat yesterday for breakfast, anyway? Oh, a yogurt. Today I think I'll have an apple.

As I'm washing off my "breakfast" I hear the phone ring in the other room. I figure that it must be Violet and Lily hoping to tell me about a new tanning salon they've found that's, like, totally awesome (because I'm, like, so disgustingly pale).

Well, you can imagine my surprise when I find Mrs. Delia Ketchum, Ash's mother, on the other line.

"Hello, Misty!" Her happy face beams at me through the video phone.

"Hi, Mrs. Ketchum. How are you?"

"Oh, I'm fine. Thank you for asking. How are you, though, dear? You look a little sick."

I look sick? She must have noticed my pale, yellowish skin, or maybe my bony body. Shoot! I had forgotten to put my bathrobe on to hide my body! I do feel kind of faint…

"Oh, no. I'm fine, thank you. I just got up; that's all." Still, part of me wants to tell her everything; she is, after all, the first person who's noticed that anything is wrong. Maybe she can save me…

_Telling her everything will just prove how weak you really are_, the voice in my head challenges. _You don't need help. Besides, if you tell her it'll ruin any chance you have of obtaining perfection, of being a "Sensational Sister," of Ash liking you. It'll ruin everything._

I comply.

"Anyway, Misty, Ash and Brock are coming for a visit in a few days, and I was wondering if you would like to join us," Delia replies, snapping me back to reality. "Ash wants to take a break from training before moving on to another league. I think he deserves a rest. He did do so well at the Sinnoh League, after all. Did you know that he placed fourth?"

Did I know? Of course I knew! I had sat glued to the television throughout the whole tournament, praying that Ash would win. How I had wanted to be there, cheering for Ash with Dawn! That had always been my role, cheering Ash on during his battles. I'm his number one fan! He has Dawn now, though; he doesn't need me anymore. Heck, she even dresses like a cheerleader!

"Well, Misty, what do you say?" Mrs. Ketchum questions.

"I don't know, Mrs. Ketchum…"

"Don't you want to see your friends, Misty? I'm sure they want to see you."

Yeah, right. If they had wanted to see me so badly they wouldn't have stopped emailing, calling, and writing. When was the last time I had heard from them? I don't even know. Besides, they have Dawn now. _If you show up they'll just be annoyed. They don't like you._

"I'm not so sure that they'd want to see me."

"Why would you say that, dear? I know that Ash and Brock miss you. Besides, this may be your only opportunity to see them for a long time."

She does have a point, I suppose. When will I get to see Ash and Brock next? I miss them so much.

_They don't want to see you. Besides, how will you get away with not eating? How will you hide your weight loss? _the voice in my head reminds me.

"I really don't know…"

"Please, Misty. Please say you'll come. It would mean so much to Ash. You know you'll regret it if you don't come," Mrs. Ketchum begs.

She's right. I would feel completely awful if I missed this opportunity to see my friends. Besides, which is more important, losing weight or seeing Ash?

"Alright. I'll be over in a few days."

I'll always choose Ash.

* * *

Author's Note: Hello, everyone. I hope you all enjoy my story so far. Although I have a lot of experience with writing, this is my first fanfic, so I hope it's OK. This idea has probably been done a million times, but oh well. Please, please review. I don't want to sound desperate, but reviews will help me stay motivated to post the rest of the story. Anyway, the story is four chapters and I'll be posting a chapter each week. Thank you. 


	2. Chapter 2

Cold Water

The sun rises over the hills as I approach Pallet Town. A burst of excitement fills me as I look down into the valley where the quaint little town lays sleeping. Pallet, and specifically the Ketchum residence, have become like a second home to me. Besides, I would also be seeing my friends today.

I ring the doorbell of the small white house and wait nervously for an answer, my palms growing sweaty. Maybe Ash and Brock have already arrived. Maybe Mrs. Ketchum forgot to tell me that Dawn was coming and maybe she's with them. Maybe they don't want to see me at all. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

"Hello, Misty," Mrs. Ketchum greets me as she opens the door. She envelopes me in a big hug, much to my surprise (and delight). Maybe someone does care about me…

"Come on in, dear. I've made a nice big breakfast for you," Mrs. Ketchum states as she leads me into the house.

Oh, no! A nice big breakfast? What am I going to do?

"Um, thanks Mrs. Ketchum, but I already ate breakfast."

"Are you sure you don't want just a little?" The poor woman looks a bit hurt. _See what you do to the people around you? You just make them upset._

I'm not sure what to say.

"I really do appreciate what you've done for me, Mrs. Ketchum, but I'm just not hungry. Maybe you and Mr. Mime could eat it and enjoy it." _There, let others enjoy it. They deserve it more than you do_.

Mrs. Ketchum lets the matter drop. Good, she doesn't suspect anything. It's a good thing that I've worn baggy jeans and a sweatshirt to hide my shrinking body.

Before I can say anything else the doorbell rings again. Oh, God, this must be Ash and Brock (and possibly Dawn) now. What do I say to them? What if they're angry or annoyed to find me here? Again I find myself questioning my decision to come here. I back up into a corner, trying to hide myself from view.

"Hello, Professor, Tracey," Mrs. Ketchum's delighted voice answers.

Oh, good. It's just Professor Oak and Tracey. Wait, Tracey? I had forgotten all about him! Losing my anxiety, I leave the corner and bound towards my friend.

"Hey, Tracey!"

"Oh, hey, Misty! It's good to see you! Mrs. Ketchum had told us you were coming," Tracey replies.

"How are you, Tracey? I haven't seen you in so long! Daisy's been missing her favorite handyman," I tease in a sing-song voice.

Poor Tracey blushes. "Um, yeah, well, I've been really busy at the preserve, hehe, but you can, um, tell Daisy I miss her, too."

I always know how to make Tracey squirm. I can't help thinking about how this is just like old times. Maybe things haven't changed between my friends and me. Maybe things will be OK…

"So, Tracey, what are you doing here?"

"Well, the professor and I had wanted to congratulate Ash for doing so well in the Sinnoh League…"

Before the Pokemon Watcher can finish the doorbell rings again. I don't even have time to panic because Delia's already hugging her "sweetie."

"I missed you, too, Mom."

That voice, that voice I used to hear everyday. Now, though, I haven't heard that voice in so long. I've missed that voice.

"Hello, Pikachu. Hello, Brock," Mrs. Ketchum states happily. "Why don't you all come in? Everyone's here to see you!"

Ash, Brock, and Pikachu enter the house. (Dawn, luckily, isn't with them.) I immediately look towards Ash, whose eyes quickly meet mine.

"Misty!" he cries as he runs over to me and gives me a big hug. Ash has never hugged me before. I'm sure I'm blushing, but I don't care; I'm too happy to care. Still, my happiness doesn't last for very long.

_Misty, you know he just feels sorry for you_, the voice states. _You keep showing up at his house like this without even being invited by him. He must think you're pathetic. He doesn't really care about you._

"Misty, is something wrong?" Ash lets go of me and looks at me seriously.

"No, nothing." I realize that I must have spaced out or something. "I'm just glad to see you, Ash."

"Well, I'm glad to see you, too. Come on! Let's go unpack our stuff!" Ash grabs my hand and leads me toward his bedroom.

* * *

"Cheers!"

We all raise our glasses and touch them together.

The professor clears his throat. "I'd like to make a toast to Ash. Congratulations, Ash, for doing so well in the Sinnoh League! May you continue to train hard and work toward you goal of becoming a Pokemon Master!"

As we toast Ash he smiles and humbly replies "thank you." His cockiness has decreased since I first met him, but I still see that familiar confidence and competitive spirit in his brown eyes.

Mrs. Ketchum had made us all a special lunch to celebrate Ash's performance in the Sinnoh League. I couldn't escape the situation, so I sat at the table with the others, pushing the food around my plate and taking small bites, pretending to eat.

"Misty, don't you like your lunch? You've barely eaten anything." I turn to look at Tracey, who has addressed me.

"Oh, sure I have. I'm just not that hungry right now. I must say, though, that I really enjoy your cooking, Mrs. Ketchum. Daisy's is, like, totally abysmal!"

Everyone laughs (except for Tracey, who I see silently frowning), and I know I've successfully changed the subject. They won't bother me about food anymore.

After Professor Oak and Tracey have left Ash and I sit on the couch watching television while Brock helps Mrs. Ketchum bake an apple pie for a town-wide contest she's entering tomorrow.

I avert my eyes from the TV only to find Ash looking at me.

"What?" I'm slightly surprised by this.

"Nothing," Ash replies, blushing slightly. "I guess I'm just wondering if you're alright, Misty. You look different or something and you don't seem your bubbly, happy self. I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about you isn't quite right."

Oh, Ash, if only you knew! If only I could tell you. Could you help me?

_No, you can't tell him. He doesn't really care about you. He only wants to take your perfection away from you, to make you even less like May and Dawn, the girls he really cares about. You don't need him or anybody else. Asking for help would be a sign of weakness, and you're weak enough as it is already._

"Misty?"

"What?"

"Are you OK?"

"Yes, why?"

"I don't know. I'm just worried about you."

Ash is worried about me? I can barely contain my happiness, happiness that, of course, doesn't last.

_Ash isn't really worried about you. If he were so worried about you, why didn't he contact you during these last few months, months when you've been suffering, when you've needed him more than ever before? Was he there for you then? No, he was too busy being with Dawn. What makes you think he cares for you now when he never has before?_

"That's funny, Ash," I snap. "This is a nice time to start caring for me!" I'm practically yelling now.

"What?"

"You heard what I said! If you cared about me so much you wouldn't have gone for so long without contacting me!"

"Misty, wait…"

"No!" I somehow manage to calm myself down a little. "I'm really tired. I think I'm going to go to bed."

"But it's only four o'clock!"

"Look, I've been traveling all day and I need some rest! Why don't you just leave me alone like you have been lately?!"

With that I trudge upstairs, turn out the light in Ash's room, and climb into my sleeping bag.

* * *

Ash and Brock don't come upstairs to the room until after 11:00. They quietly climb into their bed and sleeping bag out of respect for me, respect I don't deserve. I pretend to be asleep even though I've been awake this entire time. I have the hardest time falling asleep nowadays despite the fact that I'm always horribly tired.

After I'm certain that Ash has fallen asleep I glance up towards him. His messy black hair partially covers his face, but I can still see the little smudges of dirt that smear it. God, can't that kid ever get clean? Pikachu cuddles next to him. What an inseparable pair! Sometimes I think that Ash cares for Pikachu so much that he'd give his life for the little mouse Pokemon. That's the way I care for Ash. That's the way I wish Ash would care for me, although I know he never will.

When I left Cerulean City I never thought that I would find a friend so quickly. Driven away by my sisters, who were cruel at worst and apathetic at best, I simply peddled my bike in a blind rage, not knowing where I was going. As I sat on the river bank where I fished out Ash I contemplated giving up and returning home. Traveling was lonely and I was unsuccessful at it; I hadn't even caught a single Pokemon. Then I found Ash.

I never really wanted my bike back to be honest. I didn't care about it that much. My bike was an excuse to find a friend; I saw my opportunity and I took it. All I really wanted, more than anything, was a friend.

I immediately noticed something different, something special about Ash. The way he cared for his Pokemon and his friends was different from anything I had ever known. Much to my dismay I found myself developing a crush on Ash Ketchum.

I think I realized that I loved Ash when we were on Shamouti Island and the legendary bird Pokemon were wreaking havoc. Ash, as usual, had confidently volunteered to play the hero, but his heroics had gotten him into trouble when he had found himself unconscious and falling into the ocean. Melody, the girl we had met on the island, wanted to go save Ash, but how could I let her? Ash was my friend, my burden. I meant every word when I said that Ash would never be alone because he would always have me. Even when I'm not with him I'm still with him (does that make any sense?) because he's always in my heart (clichéd, but true).

The ocean was freezing, but I could hardly feel it. All I could concentrate on, all I could think about was Ash. If he were going to die I was going with him. Later, when both Ash and the world were safe, I wondered what feeling would cause me to want to die for someone. As I watched Ash happily sitting atop Lugia, I realized that it was love for him that drove me to risk my life for him. This was more than just a childhood crush and Ash was more than just my best friend. I loved him.

Of course, Ash never returned my feelings. Every night before I went to bed I would pray that Ash would come to love me, too, but he never did. How can I explain the pain that comes with loving someone so much and yet knowing that person doesn't return your feelings? How can I explain the pain of knowing that you can never share your most precious secret with anyone?

Speaking of pain, my body aches like crazy; my head hurts and my stomach is screaming at me to feed it. I realize that all I've eaten today is a piece of fruit and a few bites of my lunch. I can't take the pain anymore. The voice in my head is yelling at me to toughen up, but I just can't do it. I'm just not strong enough.

I find myself in the Ketchum kitchen, searching desperately for food, when I come across the apple pie Mrs. Ketchum made with Brock today. Before I know what I've done I've eaten the entire thing. As if in a trance I walk upstairs towards the bathroom and empty out my insides.


	3. Chapter 3

Deep Water

"Ash Ketchum, how could you!?"

"Mom, I didn't do it; I swear!"

"Well, if you didn't do it, who did?"

I groggily open my eyes as the sounds of shouting quickly fill my ears. What could Ash and his mother possibly be fighting about? They hardly ever fight, and Ash just got home. Mrs. Ketchum was so happy to see him yesterday.

"Ash, why did you eat my pie?"

The pie! I had completely forgotten about the pie! How could I have been so stupid?! One thing's for sure, though; I can't let Ash take the blame for this one. It's all my fault. I'm the bad person, not him.

I grab my bathrobe to hastily cover my body and then bound down the stairs, often skipping some, until I find myself in the kitchen.

"Good morning, Misty," Mrs. Ketchum greets me.

How can I tell her what I've done? Mrs. Ketchum has always been like a second mother to me, especially because my own mother died when I was only little. I've grown to love her over the years, as she's always been so nice to me and Brock and has always treated us as if we were her children as well. She's going to be so disappointed in me. _Good, you deserve it, you Grumpig!_ That's right; I do deserve it, and Ash certainly doesn't. I can't let him get in trouble for this.

"Mrs. Ketchum?"

"Yes, Misty?"

"I, um, I'm really sorry, but I ate your pie." There, I said it.

"What, Misty?" Even Ash looks shocked. Oh, no…he's going to be upset with me, too.

"I ate your pie. I'm so sorry." Here it comes…

"Misty, I'm very surprised at you. You knew how important that pie was to me; I was really hoping to win the contest at the town fair today. I can't believe you would do such a thing." Mrs. Ketchum is quiet yet firm.

"I know. I'm so very sorry."

"Well, I'm afraid sorry isn't really going to cut it, Misty. I was going to invite you to come to the fair with me and Brock, but now I'm going to ask you to stay here and do some chores around the house and in the garden as punishment. Ash will be here training with Pikachu. You can keep them company."

After dusting the house and washing and drying the dishes, I find myself outside tending to Mrs. Ketchum's lovely garden. Ash and Pikachu are here in the yard, too, training away as usual. The sun beats down on us, but I feel perfectly comfortable in my jeans and sweatshirt. Ash, on the other hand, has been complaining about the heat all morning.

"Misty, aren't you hot?"

I glance over at my friend to see him looking at me quizzically.

"Pikachupi?"

"No, I'm fine."

"OK…"

I continue to water the vegetables and flowers. I feel myself growing rather weak and tired, but choose to ignore it. It must be the sun or the lack of sleep I got last night. Maybe it's even from eating that pie, although I haven't eaten anything since then…

"Misty?"

"Yeah?"

"Um, well, I just wanted to apologize for yesterday afternoon." I turn around to find Ash staring at me sadly.

"What do you mean? I'm the one who should be sorry. I did snap and yell at you after all." _That's right. You're the one with the uncontrollable temper. You're the bad person, not him._

"I know, but you had every right to. I mean, what you said is true. I didn't keep in touch with you like I used to. I don't know why, really. I just got so caught up in training for the Sinnoh League that I'd collapse in bed every night and completely overlook calling you or writing you a letter or email. Still, it's no excuse for what I did. I'm sorry because I know I must have really hurt your feelings."

Could it be that Ash really didn't forget about me? Maybe, just maybe, he does care about me. Maybe everything will be alright after all…

_No, you can't believe him. He forgot to contact you because he and Brock were too busy having fun with Dawn, having fun without you. Can't you see that they don't have any interest in you anymore? You're no longer part of their group. You're no longer their friend. _

Ash seems so sorry, though, and he could have been training for the Sinnoh League; he did so well, after all, that he must have trained really hard.

_Don't listen to him. He's only saying that because he feels sorry for you. You're pathetic. _

Ugh, I can't do this anymore; I can't argue with the voice anymore. I need to tell Ash. I feel so faint, so dizzy…

"Misty, are you OK?"

Ash, I need to tell you. I need to tell you…

"Ash…I…"

"Misty?!"

Ash, don't leave me…

"Misty?!"

Everything is so dark, so black…

* * *

The sunlight tickles my eyes until I can't stand it anymore and I open them. Where am I, anyway? I find myself staring at a ceiling and slowly sit up. Posters of Pokemon and Pokeballs cover the walls, and a pink blanket sits atop my legs.

"Misty, you're awake." I glance toward the doorway to see a concerned looking Ash staring at me.

"Ash…what happened to me?"

"You fainted while you were tending to Mom's garden. I carried you up here." I notice a faint blush cross Ash's cheeks as he says this.

That's where I am: Ash's bedroom. I'm in my sleeping bag.

"Misty, are you OK?"

No, Ash, I'm not OK. I need your help…

_Ash doesn't want to help you. He doesn't really care about you. He only cares about May and Dawn. You can't tell him anything; if you do it'll ruin everything. If you do you'll never earn the respect of your sisters or the love of Ash. You'll never be perfect. _

"I'm fine, Ash."

"Are you sure, Misty?"

No, I'm not sure. I'm not sure at all…

_Misty, you're so weak. You don't need any help; getting help will only prove how weak and pathetic you really are to everyone else. Besides, Ash doesn't really want to help you, anyway._

"I said I was fine, Ash! I can take care of myself, you know!" There's a little more venom in my voice than I had intended for there to be.

Ash looks a little hurt by this but seems to shrug it off.

"Well, I made you some soup and iced tea."

Great…

"Thanks, Ash. That's really nice of you, but I'm not hungry or thirsty right now."

"Misty, you passed out! You need to eat or drink something!"

"I said that nothing's wrong!" I'm about to lose my temper. _Just like you always do, you witchy little Primeape. _

"Misty, I know you haven't been eating or drinking. You've been acting strange and now you've passed out. Please, Misty, please have the things I made for you."

Ash looks like he's going to cry. Maybe he does care…

"Misty, are you OK?" I peek behind Ash to find Brock, the person who has just addressed me, and Mrs. Ketchum.

"Ash called us and said that you fainted. We came as soon as we could." The barely perceptible lines in Mrs. Ketchum's face are etched with worry. "Misty, I am so, so sorry I made you do all of those chores. I shouldn't have done that. I worked you far too hard, and now look at what has happened! I hope you can forgive me," Mrs. Ketchum states sadly. Now she looks like she's going to cry!

_Look at what you do! All you do is make people sad. Maybe if you weren't so weak and didn't go and faint people wouldn't be upset right now. That's all you're good for, making people upset._

"Maybe we should call the doctor," Mrs. Ketchum suggests.

"No, I'm fine. I think I just have a fever or something."

Brock reaches over and brings his hand to my forehead. "You don't feel warm, Misty. In fact, you feel quite cold."

"I have poor circulation!"

Ash suddenly places his hand gently on my arm, causing me to flinch slightly but to blush at the same time. Oh, how I love his touch, how I've dreamed about it for so long…

"Misty, we're just worried about you. We just want you to be OK." Ash sounds so sincere…

_They're not really worried about you. How could Ash and Brock worry about someone as ugly as you, especially when they have beautiful friends like May and Dawn? Ash is lying._

"You're lying! Why can't you just leave me alone?!" I scream. _See, your temper's taken control of you again. You don't have control over anything!_

"But Misty…"

Before Ash can finish his statement Mrs. Ketchum has tenderly touched his arm, motioning for him and Brock to follow her out of the room. She softly closes the door behind her.

Now I'm completely alone. Isn't that what I wanted, though? No, of course it's not what I wanted! My temper's gotten the best of me again. _Just like it always does. All you do is push people away._

Sobs rack my frail body as I lay in my sleeping bag, praying for sleep. It comes eventually, a dull, dreamless sleep in which I find no comfort.

* * *

I wake up to find the day's first beams of sunlight flitting through the blinds. It's now morning. Just how long did I sleep for? I glance over at Ash and Brock only to find them both sleeping. Suddenly I remember the events of the previous day. Thoughts of that afternoon and the way I acted begin to consume me, and I decide that I need to do something to clear my mind.

I quickly dress and go outside for a short jog. The fresh air invigorates me, making me feel more alive than I have felt in a long time.

I hadn't meant for things to turn out this way. All I ever really wanted was the attention of Ash and my sisters. All I ever really wanted was for someone to love me and to care about me.

My parents passed away when I was only little, so the only people I had growing up were my sisters. I was inferior to them in every way possible, and they made sure that I knew it. I was always the runt, the ugly one. I never fit in. They never cared about me.

I thought losing weight would make things better, but it's only made things worse. Now I've pushed everyone away from me; now they probably all hate me even more than they already did.

Maybe this isn't the way I should be doing things. Maybe I've gone about things all wrong. Maybe I do need help. Maybe everyone does want to give it to me. Maybe I should let them…

_No, you can't. This is the only way you'll be perfect, Misty; this is the only way your sisters will accept you, the only way Ash will love you. This is the only way._

I can't help but listen to the voice. It's all I have…


	4. Chapter 4

Dark Water

I slowly approach the Ketchum house, tired after my morning jog. I turn the doorknob softly; people could still be sleeping. Apparently they're not, though, because when I enter the house I find Ash, Brock, Mrs. Ketchum, Tracey, and Daisy (Daisy!?) in the living room waiting for me.

"What's going on?"

"Misty, honey, why don't you sit down?" Mrs. Ketchum pats an empty spot next to her on the couch.

I don't think I like where this is going.

"Why is everyone here? Why won't you tell me what's going on?"

"Sis, we're all, like, really worried about you," Daisy explains. "You've been distant for months now."

"You fainted yesterday," Brock reminds me.

"You wouldn't eat your lunch the other day," Tracey adds.

"Honey, you ate the entire pie Brock and I made. You're obviously very hungry because you haven't been eating."

"Misty, you're just not you," Ash finishes. I glance over towards him to find him looking at me sadly, almost pleadingly.

Maybe everyone does care…

_Misty, you can't listen to them. They only want to trap you, to make you less perfect, less like May and Dawn, less like the people they really care about. You can't tell them anything; you must deny everything. _

"No, you're lying!" I can feel the panic rising inside me.

"No, Misty, we're not," Ash explains calmly.

"Why can't you all just leave me alone like you usually do?! You don't care about me!"

I run towards the door. I need to get out of here. I need to run away…

Brock blocks the door before I can exit the house. "Misty, you're not going anywhere until we get you help," he states firmly.

I quickly rush up the stairs, thinking of nowhere else to go. I need to escape them all.

I run into Ash's room and hastily pack up my things, throwing my clothing into my bag without even caring, sobbing uncontrollably. Everyone has followed me up here, so while they're distracted by my antics I'll run past them, run outside, run to anywhere but here.

"Misty, like, what are you doing?" Daisy asks me frantically.

I choose to ignore her and continue to shove my belongings into my bag, becoming increasingly hysterical, my cries turning into dry heaves. It's getting hard to breathe…

"Misty, stop it now!" Ash cries.

Oh, Ash, if only I could! Suddenly it feels as if something heavy is sitting on top of my chest. Oh, my chest hurts…

"Misty?!" A look of fear spreads across Ash's face.

"Ash…Ash! M-my chest! I-I can't breath!" I feel myself collapse, falling to the ground. Ash is by my side in an instant, cradling my weak body and holding my hand.

"Misty, try to the stay calm. Just keep breathing," he says, but I can see the terror in his eyes.

I feel my breathing growing raspier, quicker, shallower. I can hear Daisy and Mrs. Ketchum crying softly. I can also hear Brock yell at Tracey to call for an ambulance.

All I can see, though, are Ash's eyes, his lovely brown eyes. Then everything goes black.

* * *

I bob up and down in the water as the waves gently pass by me. A few yards away Ash sits in a boat, happily playing with Pikachu. I smile at the pair, and they smile back at me. A school of Luvdisk swims past me, causing me to blush and giggle slightly. I look over to find Ash blushing as well. Could it be a sign that we're meant to be a couple? I grin inwardly at the thought. The sun shines happily overhead. It's a perfect day at the ocean.

Suddenly the water feels just a little bit choppier and the sky looks just a little bit darker. Rain begins to fall as the waves become taller and taller, seemingly growing with every passing second. Suddenly I'm no longer bobbing up and down peacefully but being thrashed around violently. Lightning strikes from the sky as thunder roars. I yell out to Ash, but water fills my mouth as I do so. I gulp it down hastily, the salty concoction burning my throat.

"Misty!" Ash yells. I look over to find a frightened Ash.

"Misty, grab onto this!" Ash throws me a life preserver.

The life preserver floats atop the water, waiting to be grabbed. Somehow I just can't reach it, though.

"Misty, grab the life preserver!"

It's right there in front of me, but I cannot grab it, cannot reach it. Something's stopping me. What is it?

"Misty, all you have to do is grab the life preserver!"

I fail to grab the life preserver. Before I know it the waves are carrying me farther and father away, farther away from the life preserver, farther away from Ash…

* * *

"I don't know if you can hear me, but I hope you're OK, Misty," a voice states from somewhere far away. "I'm so scared, Misty. I just don't want to lose you..."

The voice breaks off and begins to cry softly for a moment. Who's talking to me? Where am I? What happened? I seem to be in an odd state of approaching consciousness but not quite being there yet.

'The doctor said you have something called anorexia nervosa," the voice continues. "I didn't know what it was, but Brock explained it to me. He said that you're starving yourself, although he doesn't know why. Why would you do that, Misty? Why would you want to hurt yourself?"

The voice pauses again. It sounds so familiar...

"I hope you're not in pain, Misty. The doctor had to put a tube into your stomach through your nose to feed you. He said that you needed nutrients because you were so malnourished. Daisy thinks that you've been starving for months now, but she was too afraid to confront you about it."

Suddenly a hand reaches over and softly strokes my cheek. "Please, Misty, please try to get better," the voice pleads. "I can see just how sick you really look because you're not wearing your baggy clothing, and it's scaring me."

The hand leaves my face and travels to my own hand, clutching it gently. I wrap my fingers around it, a motion that takes much effort.

"Misty?"

Slowly I open my eyes to find a pair of familiar brown ones staring directly into mine.

"Ash?" That's who the voice belongs to, Ash. It's Ash's voice.

"Misty, how do you feel?"

How do I feel? My chest feels funny and it feels as though there's something stuck in my throat. I swallow hard; wait, there is something stuck in my throat! It's so uncomfortable. I carefully turn my head to the side to see an IV trolley next to my bed, which has rails on it. Am I in a hospital?

"Ash, what happened?"

"You had a heart attack, Misty."

A heart attack? Why would I possibly have a heart attack?

"Am I OK?"

"Well, Misty, I guess the answer to that would be yes and no. The doctor doesn't think the heart attack did any permanent damage, but you're sick, Misty. You're very sick."

How am I sick? Wait, it's true that I haven't been eating. Before I can finish my thought I can hear another voice, one equally familiar.

_You're not sick, Misty. He's just saying that. You just had a little "incident," but you need to continue what you've been doing. If you don't your sisters will never love you; Ash will never care for you the way he cares for May and Dawn; you'll never be perfect._

That's right. I need to be beautiful; I need to be perfect. I'm only doing what I need to do.

"I'm not sick. There's nothing wrong with me."

"Misty, how can you say that? You had a heart attack!"

He's right. I did have a heart attack. Surely there's something wrong...

_You can't listen to him, Misty. He doesn't care about you. He only wants to take away any chance you have of obtaining perfection. He only wants to take me away, your only real friend._

"I only had a heart attack because you and everyone else wouldn't leave me alone!" I immediately regret my words when I see the look of pain on Ash's face. I've done it again; I've gone too far; I've lost my temper.

"I'm sorry, Ash."

"It's OK. How do you feel, Misty?"

"OK, I guess. There's something in my throat, though."

"It's the feeding tube the doctor had to give you. I hope it's not too uncomfortable."

Wait, a feeding tube? Oh, God!

_Misty, you can't let them do this to you! They're going to take away all the control you have, any chance you have of obtaining perfection. You can't let them. Think of how hard you worked the past few months to get to where you are; all that hard work will have been for nothing!_

I can feel a strong sense of fear slowly overcoming me. I can't let this happen! It takes all of the little strength I have to bring my hand to my face, but I manage and am about to rip off the tape securing the tube to my cheek so I can pull it out, when Ash's hand grabs hold of mine.

"Misty, stop! You can't do that!"

"Ash, let go of me! I need to take the tube out!"

"No, Misty, I can't let you." Ash's grip is firm and strong, and I simply don't have the strength to fight him. I seem to have forgotten that I did just have a heart attack.

I relent, slowly lying back in the bed, my head hitting the pillow softly. I feel too weak to argue, although I want to so, so badly. The voice is yelling at me, screaming that I can't let them do this to me, that I can't let them take away my perfection and control. I try to shut it out, but it's simply too loud.

I can't stop the tears that slide down my cheeks. The voice taunts me, calling me ugly and weak, and it's too strong to block out. I can't take this anymore.

"Shh, Mist, it's OK. It's gonna be OK. Please don't cry." Ash's hand gently caresses mine.

It's not OK, though.

"Misty, why are you doing this to yourself? Why would you want to hurt yourself?"

Why? Oh, there are so many reasons why! Can I trust Ash, though?

_No, you can't tell him. He doesn't want to help you. He doesn't care about you. He only cares about his pretty and nice friends May and Dawn. They're not ugly like you; they don't lose their tempers all of the time._

"I don't know." I'm so confused...

"Misty, you can trust me. I want to help you."

Before I know it everything has come tumbling out...

"I was just so unhappy, Ash! I couldn't travel with you and Brock anymore, and I missed you guys so much. You had new friends and I figured that I had been replaced and that you liked them more; I was jealous, Ash. Then Togepi evolved and left me. I was stuck running the gym and was usually alone because my sisters were always out. I hated my life and I couldn't change it, couldn't control it. I couldn't control anything.

"Ash, I just want to be pretty! All my life I've always been the runt, the ugly one; you know it's true! My sisters are so beautiful, and so are May and Dawn. I know it doesn't make sense given the fact that I've always been skinny, but everyone equates losing weight with being pretty, so I thought I'd be prettier if I lost weight; it was the only thing I could think of! I thought maybe if I were a little more pretty, a little more perfect that my sisters would accept me as a "Sensational Sister," that you would..."

Oh, God, what am I about to say?! It's a good thing that I've caught myself!

"That I'd what, Misty?"

"Nothing...it's nothing, Ash."

"Tell me, Misty!"

"I said it was nothing!" _Well, you've done it again; you've gone and lost your temper. You truly are disgusting._

Yes, I am disgusting. I'm horrible, and Ash deserves better; he deserves May and Dawn.

"I'm sorry, Ash." I feel like all I've been doing is apologizing, like all I've been doing is messing up.

"It's OK, Misty. I just don't understand how you can say these things. What makes you think you're not pretty?"

"You know I'm not, Ash! I've always been the ugly one! I'm so ugly, especially compared to my sisters and May and Dawn."

"I don't think you're ugly." Ash's voice is suddenly small, and I see a small blush grace his cheeks.

"How come you've always acted like you do, then?"

"I don't know." Ash suddenly looks sad. A small tear trickles down his cheek. "This is all my fault, Misty. I know I've always acted like you were ugly, but it's not true; it's not true, Misty. I know I've been mean and I've hurt your feelings. I'm so sorry!"

Suddenly Ash bursts into tears. "This is all my fault! I've made you sick! I should have told you how pretty you are a long time ago! I shouldn't have lost contact with you these past few months! I'm so, so sorry, Misty!"

Ash calms down slightly, his sobs abating and turning into small hiccups. He looks so sad, so upset...

"You really don't think I'm ugly?"

"Of course not! Misty, you're the prettiest person I know! And no one could ever replace you! May and Dawn are great friends of mine, but you were my first real friend and will always be my best friend! Don't you know how much I care about you? Don't you know how much you mean to me?"

I can hardly believe what I'm hearing. Could it be true?

_Think of all the hard work you've done, Misty; it'll all be lost. Everyone's just trying to make you fat trying, to take away your perfection. You can't let them; you can't listen to them. You can't trust Ash. You need to keep losing weight or else you'll never be perfect. You'll be a failure if you don't._

That voice again! I hate that voice! I just want it to go away! This is so hard, so frustrating. I start to cry again.

"Ash, I can't stop; it's too late. I need to lose more weight. Everyone's going to make me fat! They're all trying to turn me into a beached Wailord!"

"Misty, listen to me for a second. I want you to look at yourself. Please just look at yourself, even if it's only for a minute."

Slowly I glance down at my right hand and arm. The tendons that connect my fingers to my wrist protrude greatly. Big, bulging blue veins crisscross my hand and arm. The inside of my wrist is sunken, concave and forms a little depression. Fluffy down covers my entire arm. I can't stop the tears from flowing. I look terrible, but the voice is screaming that it's not good enough, that I'm not thin enough, not pretty enough, not perfect enough.

"Can you see what I mean, Misty?"

"I can see it, Ash, but the voice won't stop."

"The voice? What voice?"

"The voice that tells me I'm a bad person, that I'm ugly and stupid and worthless and weak and a failure and that you hate me."

"Oh, Misty. You can't listen to it. Those things aren't true."

If only it were that easy! "Ash, I can't stop listening to it! It won't go away!"

Suddenly Ash grabs both of my hands, his eyes looking directly into mine.

"Then we'll make it go away. We'll make it go away together."

The voice is screaming at me, but now it has to compete with Ash's words, which echo through my head and the voice seems, as a result, just a little bit softer.

"Together." And for the first time in a long time I smile.


End file.
